The Straight Times

Hundreds of Scared Kids Flee Shopping Mall

In Home on July 30, 2010 at 4:35 pm


Hundreds of kids aged between the ages of 5 to 13 fled Joo Koon Shopping Center last night after sightings of 2 monsters within the premises. SCDF and Police personnel reached the place in record time after their lines were flooded by desperate pleas for help by both the kids and their confused parents. The children reported seeing 2 larger than life monsters walking in the area, some towards them and the kids mostly claimed that they were fearful of their lives after realising how grotesque the creatures looked.

“It was scary, I was supposed to meet my friend at Starbucks but she never say which one, there are so many shopping malls in Singapore and almost every shopping mall has a Starbucks. Apparently she was at Bishan but I went to Joo Koon and when I waited for her outside while playing with my iPhone, I saw this white and blue coloured monster that looked like something I saw in my nightmare a long time ago. I don’t know why but I decided to run for my life” said 9 year old girl Melissa Wong.

“I was with my mother and she said she needed to use the toilet. So I waited near the Topman shop because the air con there was quite nice. Suddenly this weird looking monster thing just appeared out of nowhere and started walking towards me and waving with a smile. It was scary!” said 12 year old Rashid before bursting into tears..”It was going to kill meeeee…”

Police and SCDF spokemen said that the 2 creatures were then asked to leave the shopping center after numerous shops complained that the appearance of these 2 creatures were causing them to lose business. “We have the situation under control but we will launch a thorough investigation as to what happened and how this can be prevented” said a Police spokesperson after looking through his iPad for templates on “how to reply to journalists”.

Some parents were also incensed that such an incident happened. “What is the meaning of this? Because of this stupid incident I had to cancel tuition for my son tonight because he can’t stop crying. What if this affects his grades?” demanded a concerned parent of a 7 year old boy, Mdm Heng.

Although there was no photographic evidence of the 2 creatures, CCTV images captured faint and very brief glimpses of the creatures which were then traced and the true identities of the monsters were eventually revealed.

File Photo: The 2 creatures that scared the shit out of the little kids.

Reporter: Bobby Chan


Young Singaporean Lady Unable to Cope With Language Barrier

In Home on July 21, 2010 at 11:22 pm

SINGAPORE, With a recent increase in the number of complaints about communication breakdown between local customers and foreign service personel, one person has been the unlikely victim of this phenomenon.

Ms. Yvonne Hsu, 24 is a recent graduate from a top local university who has been helping out at her father’s fish ball noodles stall at a foodcourt in West Coast since she graduated with a 2nd upper class honours degree in Psychology and she is very irked by the frequencies of her episodes of communication breakdown between her customers and her.

“Just 2 days ago, I was manning the stall when this middle-aged Indian man came up and started ordering something in Mandarin. I’m sorry but I’m not very good in Mandarin, I’ve been speaking English all my life and I have been failing Chinese since Primary School. So all I could do was ask him to point out to me what dish he wanted. He just kept insisting on ordering in Mandarin even though I was clearly lost. I had to call out to my mum who was in the kitchen to help me take his order while I stood like an idiot just shaking my head and asking if he wants chili”. Said Ms. Hsu angrily.

Ms. Hsu is one of many Singaporean youngsters who grew up on Sesame Street, Channel 5 and Hollywood movies and

Mr. Arriapan uses Google to find the Mandarin translation for Mee Pok Dry With Less Chili

never in her life has she watched any Chinese dramas. “My daughter is like that, since young she always jiak kan tang (eat potato). I don’t understand children these days you know?” Said her mother, Mdm Wong, 54 who cooks most of the dishes.

“Sue me man, then if that wasn’t enough. A week ago, a Caucasian..YES CAUCASIAN man came up and ordered something in Mandarin also. You know how embarrassed I was?” Complained Ms. Hsu.

“But you know what I really hate? Those old chinese uncles who come up to me and start speaking in Hokkien. Like hellooooo, if I can’t speak Mandarin, what makes you think I can speak Hokkien? Do I look that cheena to you?” Asked Ms. Hsu while adjusting her “Hello Kitty” watch.

“This is getting out of hand you know, first all these people come and speak to me in Mandarin when they are not even Chinese and then when they are Chinese, they speak dialect. Why can’t they just speak English? Isn’t that the main administrative language of Singapore?” yelled Ms. Hsu.
We asked one customer who earlier ordered something from Ms. Hsu’s stall what the fuss was all about. “Oh, I thought she was one of those China girls. Usually when I order in English nobody could understand me so I went to learn the names of the dishes in Mandarin so it would make life easier.” explained regular customer Mr. Arriapan Velugopal, 45.

Reporter: Tan Su-Ann (S.A. Tan)

Hougang Resident Plans Breakaway State

In Home on July 16, 2010 at 12:47 am

SINGAPORE, Due to the increasing or rather, decreasing levels of appreciation in recent years, one Hougang resident is planning to stage a revolution soon. Mr. Larry Chin Cheong Fun, 43, a taxi-driver wants to propose that the towns of Hougang and Potong Pasir merge into one entity and form an independent nation. This recent revelation has left mixed feelings among many.

“Let me explain this to you as succintly as possible. Look at all the various wards in Singapore. Look at the magnificence and grandeur of the new estates everywhere. Then look at Hougang and Potong Pasir, look at how torn and bereft the buildings are” said Mr. Chin in halting english.

“Hougang and Potong Pasir have been the 2 pariah states of Singapore, the only states that are not run by the ruling party. No doubt our MPs have done all they could but oh God, look at how pathetic these places are. Then to add salt to the wounds, just recently the town councils went through an assessment and look how badly the town councils of Hougang and Potong Pasir fared, as compared to the rest of the country” explained Mr. Chin in an uncouth and crude manner.

Mr. Chin Cheong Fun can't wait to free his people!

Hougang and Potong Pasir have been run by Opposition wards the past few decades with residents constantly voting for the opposition even when their estates look pretty run down. “Are they waiting for the buildings to collapse and then the Government finally does something? Right after blaming our opposition MPs for doing nothing? This will not do, we have to make a change and we have to start right now” protested Mr. Chin in a loud and authoritative voice, totally shunning the etiquette that is required of would-be politicians in Singapore.

We asked Mr. Chin what exactly he intends to do then. “Well first we will create a breakaway state and fight for our independance. Look at countries like Spain and Canada, the Basque region of Spain have been fighting for their independance, the Canadians have Quebec. These places have people who are willing to fight for their freedom, for a better life. I know I am a capable leader and I can bring Potong Pasir and Hougang from 3rd World status to First. It’s no problem.” Quipped Mr. Chin confidently although murmurs of disapprovals can be heard resonating.

I will work alone and fight for our right to survival. We must overcome all odds and we can. We have a strategic location. Both these towns are linked by Upper Serangoon Road which is a vital road for us, this road eventually leads into the Central Business District, after a couple of turns and ERP gantries and we will use the unopened Woodleigh MRT Station as our main transport hub. All these are possible, I have already prepared a flag, national anthem and pledge and even drawn out a possible economic system. To boost revenue, we will also host the next South East Asian (SEA) Games as Singapore doesn’t seem to want to host it anymore. We can use the Serangoon and Hougang stadiums. I am confident that this plan has what it takes to turn Potong Pasir and Hougang into a renowned nation.” Said Mr. Chin in a rather distasteful manner.

We asked the Prime Minister’s Office what they thought about this plan but their replies only consisted of long repetitive words featuring the letters “H” and “A” but Mr. Chin is extremely confident that his fight for independence will be fruitful.

“I mean look at this, the upcoming NDP, they are only showcasing the heartland events at places like Bishan, Eunos and a few other places but none of us are welcome. Doesn’t that already provide a hint that we are not wanted? I will not allow us to be second-class citizens. We will show them what we are made of!” Shouted Mr. Chin rather ungratefully.

It is not known how Mr. Chin is going to go about to stake his claim for independence but it will be interesting to see how this issue will turn out.

Reporter: Bobby Chan